To Dad - My Unassuming Mentor

"I wish Daddy there weren't always problems to solve and people to please,

I wish there were moments that could be mine to grieve, to heal, to be just me.

I wish life gave us a second chance to be together and undo all this pain, 

I wish Daddy I could be your little girl again...."

Grief has many shades I believe - it can be shiny, glistening white; it can be dark and somber black and more often than not it's a looming grey- the grey being the most overbearing- a hue that engulfs your heart and mind at all times like that cloud in the sky that threatens but doesn't rain. It strikes your mind in flashes and with a thunderous clap, it overpowers all that is around you in that moment. It silences and deafens, it shocks and stuns.

This grey in all its broody expanse has consumed my spirit at the moment as I struggle for answers within and outside.  My father - my unassuming mentor. my inspiration and my confidante, passed on to another world-very unexpectedly, very suddenly.

Life has stayed the same in a weird way but changed completely in another. There is a sense of having been cheated - How could he have just left without a goodbye? How could the timing be so wrong? Why could God not have given him a chance at survival? Why were we not given a chance to help him survive? Why there was no second chance as it is for so many people?

There is an immeasurable sense of despair as I  seek solitude and peace to be able to come to terms with his loss but when I get that solitude, I want to run from everyone including myself and this reality.  And when I try to find solace where there seems to be none, when I pine for answers in a sea of "what ifs", when I try to feign acceptance even when every cell of my being is filled with disbelief- there emerges a forced realization of the sheer impermanence of life- in its physical form and the transient nature of the spirit within.

In the far and few moments of calm, I feel a sense of gratitude for the time I spent with him, for the memories captured both on film and in the mind. I feel gratitude for the outpouring of love and affection from friends and neighbors. I feel gratitude  that he went without suffering, without being dependent on anyone even for a day (it's almost as if  he went on a long walk but lost track of time and left his physical form somewhere along) - this being the only positive in a painful, shocking situation. 

And then there is that feeling which tugs at my heart all the time-  a sense of regret and guilt at the times not spent together- the times when my inner voice urged me to be with him but everything in the physical world including my Dad, himself stopped me....the regret at having let those physical voices subdue and submerge my inner voice. The regret at having made decisions in life that could have hurt him, regret at not having appreciated -enough, his immense devotion and sacrifice in raising me as a capable and responsible adult. The regret at having failed to be at his side when he might have needed me, the regret at not being able to do anything to help him survive- the regret of being far and reaching oh so late!

"But Daddy, I want to tell you today, that through all these feelings of helplessness, grief, despair and regret, I can feel your love shining through in all that I do, in all that I achieve and in all that I ever will.....I hear your voice Daddy- caring and calm -as if you are on the other end of the phone - guiding me through, helping me to be true to my conscience. And I know that even though I can no longer call you or share with you proud moments of your grand kids, that I can never hope to see you standing at the airport to receive me; YOU will always be my confidante, my mentor, my guide, my shining light! Love you and miss you deeply Daddy! Praying every moment that you are at peace.... "